There’s a Button for That

Nathan Labrador

Your AnyCar appointment will begin shortly.

Please make sure all other Chip programs are closed before speaking with your Salesman.

Remember, Here at AnyCar, our Top Priority is Your Comfort.


Beginning call.

Hello there, valued customer! Is it that time of the decade again? I guess even products as sophisticated as ours could eventually use some upgrades, so I’ve been assigned to help you navigate your options! Here at AnyCar, we know how tiresome the process of buying a new automobile can be, so why not have someone that has your back? That’s what I’m here for! As you may have gathered, I’m an AnyCar Salesman fresh off the metaphorical assembly line, here to eagerly serve you in this transitional period you find yourself in.

Like every one of our customers, you’ve been offered the Get to Know Me Program, which you opted into shortly before this scheduled appointment. Exciting stuff! We at AnyCar would like to take a moment to personally thank you for opting into our Get to Know Me Program.

Note: You can request to unsubscribe from the Get to Know Me Program at any time by saying “I wish to unsubscribe from the Get to Know Me Program and lose all of the benefits associated with it.”

As you know, by agreeing to the program terms, you’ve given AnyCar encrypted access to the Interpersonal Social Interaction data in your Chip – a privilege we thank you for! Within seconds of downloading your I.S.I. (“Feed” as the kids are calling it. Ha! What a clever throwback), I knew you like the back of my nonexistent hand! I’ve been programmed specifically for you: I know you inside and out, your likes and dislikes, your preferred driving routes, your passions and fears and deepest secrets. (Only kidding about the last part!)

Note: If at any time my humor does not aid in your purchasing process, feel free to adjust my settings by saying “I would like to adjust my Salesman’s humor settings.”

Simply put, I have enough information to tailor your purchasing experience uniquely to you. It looks like we even have your expected price range based on your monthly income, so no need to be concerned about a scary price tag. If you have no reservations, let’s begin, shall we?

Please wait while your Salesman constructs your car blueprint.

Remember, Here at AnyCar, our Top Priority is Your Comfort.




Hello again! After putting some digital elbow grease into it, my advanced algorithm has constructed the quote unquote perfect car for you. Any of the finer details are entirely up to your discretion, but I must say, I believe I’ve made something you’ll quite enjoy! How about a quick rundown?

Given your previous vehicle’s lifespan, I’ve devised a build that will seem right at home to you, but with some of this year’s model’s bells and whistles that our brightest AnyCar scientists have concocted. I won’t bore you with the features you’ve already become accustomed to, we trust that your projected 87% AnyCar satisfaction score is accurate (of course it is! An AnyCar Salesman has yet to inaccurately predict an assigned customer’s thoughts!)

First on the list of new features is our state-of-the-art Texture Swap technology, which allows for complete control of your comfort while on the go. If you’ve ever been on a long car ride and wanted to change from leather seats to velvet to nylon and back to leather again, then you now can with the flip of a switch! Our records indicate that you took a particular liking to microfiber material in your last ride, so this new build comes preinstalled with three seat covers with a similar softness. Just make sure you’re wearing your seatbelt! (Ha! How humorous to think that humans used to be allowed driving control of their automobiles! No offense to humans, of course).

What would a comfortable, reclining seat be without a movie to enjoy along with it? While your self-driving AnyCar vehicle is taking you from continent to continent, sit back in our one-of-a-kind Film Pod and enjoy one the several dozen streaming services at your disposal.

Note: Streaming services are not included in your AnyCar purchase and AnyCar does not promote any specific streaming service over another.

While flicks on the go have been a staple of AnyCar for decades now, we doubt you’ve ever experienced a movie quite like this! Our new and improved Film Pod is a high-tech augmented theater, with surround sound speakers and 360° projectors that put you in the middle of your favorite set pieces, all while being compact enough to fit in your automobile. Our scientists have truly outdone themselves!

Based on your Feed data, you aren’t much of a moviegoer, but don’t write the Film Pod off just yet, valued customer; through the Get to Know Me Program, your AnyCar vehicle will be able to access your favorite memories and replay them as clear as the day they happened. Based on your most discussed memories with friends and family, a sunny day with a loved one is a clear pick for your favorite. Would you like me to display a sample of this memory in a virtual demo?

Confirmation required: You said, “No”?


Moving on with your car blueprint.

Remember a time when you were dying to eat, and after placing an order that took an hour to arrive, you had to pay double the price of the meal for a human driver to deliver your room temperature food? Me neither! Food on the go has been another staple of AnyCar since its founding, and this year’s model is continuing that tradition with some great new advancements. While in previous vehicle models, the hassle of endless menus drove many of our customers to simply snack on their favorite junk food during long trips, ignoring the three hundred and counting food options ready to be made in-house. The days of tedious choice making are now behind you!

Due to your opting into the Get to Know Me Program, our smart cars are now able to predict what you want to eat, when you want to eat it, with up to 93% accuracy! The more you use our food on the go service, the more accurate our automobiles become, without all those pesky options to choose from. If you’re feeling some good ol’ fashioned Southern cooking, we’ll know the second a buttery biscuit crosses your mind! In the mood for a Thanksgiving feast? Our automated ovens know the exact temperature to heat to, in accordance with your liking. Our compact Chefs have more than enough food to go around, so why not share a delicious meal over a candlelit dinner with that special someone? (Only joking about the candlelit part! Everyone knows our customers are strictly forbidden from using fire for any reason while an AnyCar vehicle is in operation, due to the various safety hazards that may arise! Ha!)

Movies and meals are great and all, but let’s get into your specific modifications, shall we? What would a Salesman be if not tailor programmed for your needs? Let’s see how the Get to Know Me Program can really help you!

On average, your serotonin levels in the months between October and February were noticeably lower than the rest of the year, likely due to seasonal depression. (Don’t be embarrassed, it’s a common human experience!) To compensate for this, AnyCar has custom built your car’s air filtration to dispense airborne supplements to compensate for those less than stellar days. Simply put: feeling down in the dumps? There’s a button for that!

Note: AnyCar is not responsible for any potential dependencies that arise from our airborne supplements. If an addiction is developed, please refer to our 24/7 customer support hotline, where an Operator will be happy to assist you.

Generally speaking, your brain activity had been relatively even, until seven years ago when there was a noticeable strain on your amygdala (that’s fancy talk for the part of the human brain that processes trauma). It seems that year was a particularly distressing one for you. What a bummer!

Since that not so hot time for you, your serotonin levels have increasingly improved annually (go you!), with the exception being the month of May, when levels drop significantly every year on the dot. After viewing your brain activity, I’ve predicted that this drop in your mood is likely due to your previously mentioned loved one. That must’ve been some sunny day!

Based on your conversations with potential romantic partners since that year, you’ve never shown an interest in a second interaction. No need to take it personally, searching for a mate is quite the stressful process for humans! If this lack of enthusiasm for dating is about your loved one, then I suggest referring to the tried and true saying, “There are plenty of metaphorical fish in the metaphorical sea!”

Note: Your serotonin levels appear unexpectedly low for this time of day, likely due to our conversation about your loved one.

Our records indicate you have not seen them since your previously mentioned sunny memory, is that correct? The hippocampus in your brain is very active at night while you dream, possibly in response to reliving this memory over and over, night after night. For an addition fee, I would be able to replicate their speaking voice for the remainder of our appointment, if it assists with your purchasing process. Would you like me to proceed with this upgrade?

Response required.

Response required.

Is it something I said? I sincerely apologize, valued customer. Would a 10% discount on a future AnyCar purchase of your choice suffice?

Confirmation required: You said, “Unsubscribe from the Get to Know Me Program”?

Are you sure? All associated benefits will be cancelled as well.
Subscription cancelled.

They meant the world to you, didn’t they? The warm times they brought, the endorphin high you got from their presence; You could’ve been classified as medically addicted to the happiness they brought you. Maybe you held onto your previous car for so long because you could still smell their scent in its interior and losing that would make it all too real. A Salesman could never experience the feelings that human associate with love, but you checked all the boxes when you were with them. There hasn’t a day as sunny as the last time you saw them, and in our automated world, your black and white filter over everything only makes you that much more uncomfortable. May you find that color again someday, valued customer.

Confirmation required: You said, “End call”?

Are you sure?

Call ended.

Thank you for choosing AnyCar.

Remember, Here at AnyCar, our Top Priority is Your Comfort.